For many in the LGBT community coming out is a terrifying process and coming out to family seems akin to sentencing your own death. We’ve been told for so long that as soon as we come out we will be abandoned by everyone that we know and love so we stay in the closet and we let the cobwebs grow. I myself was worried sick for years and years, trying to change who I was and then simply hide who I was so that I wouldn't have to deal with telling my family. I thought they would hate me and I was scared of being kicked out of the house or disowned. While this never happened my relationship with my family was strained for many years both prior to and following my coming out. I realize now that most of this was a direct result of my inability to communicate properly. I was too scared to have an open, honest conversation with my family and so I let all communication die entirely. Hopefully I can help you to avoid the mistakes that I made! In order to successfully come out you are going to need a plan of action and these are the steps I wish I had taken so many years ago. It would have saved my family and I a lot of heartache!
Step one is simply to focus on yourself. You need to be honest with yourself about who you are and accept the person you are becoming. Keep a journal and use it to work through your feelings and anxieties. (Warning - make sure this journal is well hidden or destroy the paper you write on as soon as you are done!) Write in a stream of conscious, where you just write every thought that comes to you as you have it, to bring to the front of your mind thoughts that you may otherwise deny or push away. Or you can write your daily events and how they made you feel. Also, I believe analyzing your dreams can help you to understand your thoughts and emotions and help you to make new discoveries about yourself. To unlock the full potential of your dreams see my previous article on lucid dreaming.
Step two is to make sure that you stay connected with your family. This may be difficult and even painful but it is very important. At this point your family has not given you any reason to hate or mistrust them so don’t. For a long time I assumed the worst of my family and began to treat them as if they had already disowned me. This is the worst thing you can do! You are only causing yourself and your family unnecessary pain and creating resentment that will make it even harder to come out. You may even cause them to believe that your bad behavior is a direct result of you being LGBT and they may think it’s a psychological illness that need to be fixed. Ultimately, our families love us and want us to be happy and hate anything that makes us unhappy, so stay positive!
Step three should be to do as much research on LGBT topics as possible! Even if you think you are bisexual, research lesbian topics as well. Even if you think you are gay, find out information on transgender issues. At this point you are questioning because you really don’t know who you are and you have a lot to figure out! It’s ok if you research something just to say that it doesn’t feel like what you are going through because the more you know about what you are not the easier it is to be sure of what you are. You should also read about what science is discovering about being LGBT and what psychologists are learning about our community. You should get familiar with LGBT terminology and read blogs and watch videos about actual LGBT people.
Step four is to find support groups either online, in your school, or in your community to help you through this time. This is incredibly important because these support groups can help you with the first three steps. They can also help you to connect with others in the LGBT community so that you can begin to create friendships and get helpful advice from others.
Step five is to begin creating dialogue with your family about LGBT topics. You are already doing research and learning a great deal of new information about the LGBT community so use this to open a line of communication with your family. This will give you the opportunity to understand what their feelings and beliefs are and to let them know that you support the LGBT community. Even if your parents don’t like it, you do have the right to form your own opinions and to disagree with them. For example, if they think homosexuality is unnatural then you can tell them about the hundreds of animals that have gay sex in the wild. If they think being transgender is an illness you can tell them about fish and frogs that transition all the time. All of these things can open their minds to new ideas without them even realizing. That way when you are ready to tell them your secret they already have knowledge on the subject which they can draw from. They will also understand you better and understand how this change is what you need to be happy. The most important thing to remember here is that you are having a discussion, not an argument. Never, yell, scream, cry, or call them names because they disagree. Just know that they have deeply rooted beliefs and it’s going to take time for them to accept these new ideas.
***If at this point your family becomes adamant that LGBT people are sick or sinners, that they need conversion therapy, if they become extremely angry and scare you or threaten you, or if they abuse you in any way then stop talking to them about LGBT issues immediately and seek help from a counselor or therapist! Do not come out to them if it will put you in danger in any way!***
Step six, tell a safe person. By a safe person I mean someone who you can go to live with if things get bad at home. Choose someone you know will love and support you no matter what. This person should be someone you trust to keep your secret and not out you. Someone who will allow you to tell your friends and family in your own way on your own time. They could be an aunt or uncle or maybe even a friend’s parents.
Finally, as long as steps one through six have been successful and you feel ready, it’s time to tell your family. Chose a time when everyone is calm and tell them you need to talk to them. Be straight to the point and be firm. Do not expect the worst and jump to conclusions and become defensive, angry, or upset. Instead, try to stay as calm as possible. They may not take it well and they may say ignorant or hurtful things, but most likely they don’t realize how they are being hurtful. You need to allow them to make mistakes and ask stupid questions and just try to correct them and answer them as best as possible. Tell them you love and trust them and want them to be a part of your life and that’s why you told them. Tell them you can’t change but that you understand they need time to process and adjust. And they do! You have had years to understand and accept who you are and it’s been a hard road for you! It’s going to be the same for them so understand that they will need to process this information and learn to accept it as well. Things will (most likely) get better with time as long as you stay committed to being honest with them about who you are and continue to try to connect with them.
I sincerely hope that this helps you and that you are able to have a wonderful coming out experience. Life on the other side is usually so much more free and enjoyable that you wonder what kept you in the closet so long. It can be extremely rough at times, but I assure you that things get much easier as you get older. This world is changing rapidly and the LGBT community is making large strides in becoming better understood, more accepted, and gaining more rights. We’re all fighting for you so don’t forget that you also have a family in us!
No comments:
Post a Comment