(Trans) Gender Stereotypes

I have often said that there are no wrong questions and when people ask me about being transgender I really try to be as open and honest as possible.  It’s important to me that I help educate others about LGBTQ issues even if that means answering questions I’d rather not or giving up a little privacy.  However, there are those people who ask questions or make statements that are so ignorant and offensive that it’s maddening!  I try to deal with these situations calmly and educate them about their misconceptions, however, there are three things I hear all too often and wish I never had to hear again.

The first is, “You’re so pretty!  Why do you want to be trans?”  Of the three, I hear this one most often and it makes me want to scream and commit various acts of harm and hostility.  Instead, I’ve begun retorting with, “Then I’ll be a pretty man!”  That usually shuts them up for a second as they raise their eyebrows and look confused.  It amazes me that they don’t see the gender oppressive stereotypes that fed their statement.  The obvious stereotype here is that women are only worth as much as their looks.  Their assumption is that I feel like I’m unattractive and therefore am not even worthy of being a woman.  I have to deal with my condition of ugliness by rejecting my feminine nature and trying to be a man in a desperate attempt to find a woman who will of course love me even if I’m hideous.  If they can just convince me that I’m beautiful then my problems will be solved and I can live happily ever after as a pretty woman worthy of a man to love me.  What crap!!!  I hate this!  Women are people and they have more to offer than a pretty face and open legs!  But what I’ve also noticed by flipping this statement around and telling them that I’ll be a pretty man is the less obvious but equally disturbing stereotype against men: that it’s not possible to be a pretty man and if you are, you’re gay.  Men are put under pressure to look good all the time, yet they are not supposed to care.  Hollywood tells men they are supposed to look like bodybuilders who bathe in Nair but at the same time “real men” can’t waste time on hygiene and hair.  “Real men” have better things to do with their time and money.  It’s a double standard that has men confused and embarrassed.  They simply can’t win.  Why can’t we just admit that if you look like you’ve never seen a mirror then that’s a problem; for women and men!  But we also need to realize that it’s not all that matters!  (I’m sorry for talking as if being gay is a bad thing.  I’m just commenting on the culture of our society.  Of course gay men are still real men!)

Which brings me to my next most hated comment.  One woman actually had the nerve to tell me that I needed to dress in such a way that others would be able to tell my sex!  First of all, how presumptuous!  This just shows how much people have bought into this idea that gender is based on sex.  Secondly, it’s none of her business.  She believes that it is though, because without knowing my sex she doesn’t know how to interact with me.  She doesn’t know what set of gender stereotypes to use to determine the proper way to behave around me.  The way we become uncomfortable around someone whose gender we can’t identify just proves that we treat men and women differently on a fundamental level.  We go into our interactions with men and women based on stereotypes that have been fed to us by society and enforced by the media.  Without these stereotypes to guide us we don’t know what behavior is socially acceptable.  In other words, we have no idea how to treat people like people.  When someone walks up to you they don’t see you as a blank slate; someone they don’t know but are excited to learn about.  They see you as a blurry chalk board.  They have half of it filled in already, they just need to clean it up a little and add in a few things.  I don’t know about you, but that pisses me off.  Especially because I don’t fit on that board, but most people try to make me fit anyway!

Speaking of not fitting on the board, the other thing I hear quite often is, “But you’re so feminine!”  My response: “Thank you!”  I know they don’t mean it as a compliment though because this falls directly under the “men can’t be feminine” stereotype.  Why?  I generally assume people mean that I’m affectionate and sensitive, although I’m sure there are other smaller things.  How are these qualities bad?  I think that being “feminine” makes me well-rounded.  I have a good balance between my feminine side and my masculine side so that I’m not too much of either.  I also think it makes it easier for me to relate to women.  I can hold a deep conversation with them and actually understand what they are going through.  This makes me a better person and a better boyfriend.  But this statement doesn’t just bother me on a personal level.  What really irks me is the underlying misogyny that fuels this type of statement.  When you call someone feminine and you mean it as an insult what you are really saying is that it is bad or undesirable to be like a woman.  Woman are so stupid/inferior/worthless; why would you ever want to be like a woman?!  It’s worse when I hear this from a woman because they don’t even realize what they are saying about themselves!  We need to stop gender shaming women.  Men and women are fundamentally the same but women have been allowed to embrace their full spectrum of emotions while men have been emotionally stifled.  It would really benefit us as a society to stop crippling men emotionally and then acting like it’s women who have the problem!

Of course, there are so many ways that people have been offensive towards me as a transman that if I were to make this an exhaustive list it would go on forever so I’ll just stop here.  Hopefully in reading this you have not only learned a little about what it’s like to be transgender and what you shouldn’t say to us, but also about the hurtful nature of gender stereotypes in general.  If we lived in a perfect world we would never even see gender or we would at least see it as a boundless spectrum that people can flow through.  Unfortunately, we do not live in a perfect world but maybe you can start to see this world a little more perfectly.

Movie Review – Elena Undone

For those of you out there searching for true love, Elena Undone is an inspiring story which Nicole Conn wrote and directed loosely based on her real experience of finding love with photographer Marina Rice Bader.  Nicole’s character is called Peyton and is played by bisexual actress Traci Dinwiddie while Marina’s character is named Elena and is played by Necar Zadegan.  After finding each other their world’s are turned upside down and inside out before they are able to come together at the end in what the movie calls “soulemetry.”

If it sounds slightly cheesy that’s because it is, but how many romantic movies aren’t.  However, Elena Undone moves beyond the typical themes of lesbian romance and brings a breath of fresh air to the genre.  It is truly a love story for adults with strong, complex female characters that addresses issues about religion, politics, and family without losing sight of the story.  Moreover, with two beautiful actresses breaking the record for the longest in film kiss, unedited to boot, it can be quite steamy as well!

The costume and makeup add to each woman’s character, one a homely pastor’s wife and the other a proud lesbian writer, without detracting from their natural glamour.  The music is also magnificently done, particularly Jennifer Corday’s Coming Undone which I was even inspired to look up and “like” on YouTube.  The cinematographer also must be recognized for his elegant work, particularly for the work he did on the now famous kiss scene.  It must be very intimidating to film such a scene when you know it can’t be edited later but it was masterfully done in a way that was both artistic and sensual.

Overall, I would give this movie three stars for having a good story, believable characterization, and strong themes.  I would love to give it a higher rating but there were a few weak points in my opinion.  I felt that a few of the scenes seemed forced and the ending felt slightly rushed, but this is not surprising for a film that was shot in only twelve days.  What is surprising is how strongly the actresses bonded with their characters and each other in such a short time!  I would still recommend this movie to anyone wanting a good love story, lesbian or not.

Is Being Trans Creepy

Oftentimes when talking to someone about transgender topics you will get guarded responses.  They will seem uncomfortable and say things like, “It’s just wrong.”  They won’t understand and won’t want to talk about it.  This kind of avoidance reaction is typical when dealing with things that “give us the creeps.”  We find things creepy for one of two reasons.

The first reason is when something seems unnatural and causes us discomfort.  But really, there should be no reason to see being trans as unnatural.  Being trans is often, if not always, caused by our biology and what could be more natural than that?  The root cause is sometimes even in our chromosomes, specifically our sex chromosomes, although this is not always the case.  Everyone knows that girls are XX and boys are XY; or are they?  Numeric abnormalities can leave a person with the wrong number of sex chromosomes.  For example, a girl can be simply X, or a boy can be XXY or even XXXY!  Structural defects of the sex chromosomes can leave you with a non-functioning or malfunctioning chromosome.  For example, a baby may be XY but the Y chromosome is defective and doesn’t work.  Either scenario can have an overwhelming impact on hormone production and development of the person.  Sometimes the person will turn out “normal” and fit well in the binary male/female society that we’ve created, but oftentimes they will be transgender, transsexual, genderqueer, or hermaphroditic.  This is actually more common than you would think as well.  In fact, at least 1 in 448 babies will have a sex chromosome abnormality.  Really, if it’s not hurting us or anyone else, why treat it as a bad thing?

Which brings me to my next point; the other way something can be creepy is by causing you fear when you can’t identify the threat.  The reason you can’t identify the threat of a trans person is because we are not threatening!  We aren’t crazy, we are just different.  We don’t want to “turn your children,” in fact we would not wish our struggles on our worst enemies.  We don’t have deviant sexualities!  We are only as sexual as the rest of the population, and we want loving partners and happy families just like everyone else.  There is no reason to be afraid of us.

If there is no reason to think being trans is unnatural or scary then there is no reason to be creeped out by trans people.  The more you learn about us or get to know us the more you will find that we are actually pretty normal.  So go find something else to spook yourself about!

Movie Review – Cloudburst

I love hearing the stories of old LGBT couples because they tell us how far we’ve come and give us the inspiration to keep going.  That’s why I jumped at the chance to watch Cloudburston Netflix.  It turned out not only to be a great comedy but also one of my new favorite lesbian films.

Writer and director Thom Fitzgerald, an out and proud bisexual man, knew what he was doing when he wrote the part of Stella for actress Olympia Dukakis, a straight ally and LGBT activist.  Her lover of 31 years, Dot, was played by Brenda Fricker, the first Irish woman to win an Oscar.  The story begins when they decide to elope in Canada in order to avoid being split up by family.  On the way they pick up Prentice, played by Ryan Doucette, who quickly becomes their new best friend and biggest advocate.  Together they cause all sorts of madness and mayhem that will have you laughing to split your sides.

Filmed in Nova Scotia, where much of the movie is said to take place, the backdrops are absolutely breathtaking and the lighting and settings capture the mood of every scene perfectly.  The music is generally of an older, jazzy generation that helps to frame the upbringing and experiences of the two older women.  Also, I have to commend the costume designer and makeup artist for turning Olympia Dukakis, Cher’s mother in Moonstruck who went on to play inSteel Magnolias, into a foul mouthed bull dyke.

I guarantee that these wild, wacky characters will have you on the edge of your seat waiting for their next adventure.  They did for me, and that’s why I rate this movie a solid 4 stars.  Since it’s available on Netflix, you can make this your instant choice for this weekend’s movie night.  Make sure you let me know what you think in the comments below.

I Finally Came Out

I know I'm still fairly young and I still have a long way to go on my journey of transition but it feels like I've done a lot already.  In fact, I've taken what I think is the biggest step of all.  I finally came out, and I mean to everybody!
I can still remember the first time I realized something was really different about me.  I was fourteen and I had a dream, but it was nothing like Mr. King's!  In my dream I was myself and there was a boy my age flirting with me and after a short while he leaned in to kiss me.  At this point it was like a movie camera had zoomed out, panned around to shift angles, and then zoomed back in.  Next thing I know, I'm the young guy and I'm kissing a beautiful girl.  I woke up with my heart racing, almost as fast as my mind, and burst into tears.  I sobbed desperately into my pillow out of embarrassment, confusion, and fear.
For the next four years it was a long road of denial.  I wasn't interested in men but that was only because I hadn't found the right one.  I was constantly looking at women but only because I was comparing my body to theirs' and certainly not because I thought they were attractive.  Eventually though, like all bad charades, mine came to a screeching halt.  I had fallen in love... with a girl!  I was eighteen and in college and she was my best friend.  From that moment on I could no longer deny my attraction to women.
I did, however, continue to date men and avoid my own masculinity.  I actually did fall in love with a man and we dated for two and a half years.  The problem was that as our relationship progressed I became more and more aware of the fact that I didn't want to be with him, I wanted to be him!  Near the end of our relationship he told me he could see me being a good man and a good boyfriend... just not to him.  It felt like the affirmation I had been waiting my whole life for, even though it came with a heavy price.
From that moment on I found every way I could to assert my masculinity, no matter how small or private.  I bought some men's clothes, told my  best friend how I felt, and started going to gay clubs.  I also started the blog you're reading now.  I was suddenly overwhelmed with emotions I had been suppressing for years and the more I expressed my masculinity the more right it felt.
Now, don't get me wrong, this wasn't all peaches and cream.  For a while I became hyper masculine which on some level I knew was fake and awkward.  However, as time went on I settled into myself and accepted my femininity.  By doing this I stopped playing the macho role and became a man.
That's when I knew I had found my true identity and I was ready to come out.  There was no more questioning, only acceptance, and it was time for the world to know and accept me also.  I had opened up to my older sister, my best friend, and a few other people already.  Now came the hard part, telling my mother!  It happened so fast that I can barely remember.  I had not planned it, I was just telling her about my new life in Oregon and next thing I knew I was rambling on about how I've always really been a boy.  Poor Mom, she didn't know what to say, but she took it like a champ.  She simply asked me to give her time to process this new information.  I told her I understood and that of course I would.
After that it was fairly easy to come out.  I had my Mom, sisters, and best friend so there was no one left to worry about losing.  If there was anybody else that didn't want me in their life I didn't need them.  So, a week later I logged into Facebook and made one heck of a status update!  It detailed that I'm transgender, that my name is now William, and that I'm happy and proud.  I even changed my header photo to a rainbow that read "I'm coming out!"
The response I got was better than I'd dared to hope.  Friends and family from all over, even people I barely spoke to, left messages of love and support or at least a thumbs up.  It's been about a week and I have yet to be told that I'm an abomination by anyone.  I'm now living my life truer than ever before and, far from the scary, difficult road I thought it would be, it's one of the easiest things I've ever done.  The truth is always easier than a lie.  The difficulty is finding out what the truth is; that's the journey we are all on. 

As my journey continues I know there will continue to be hard decisions to make.  I have to choose when and how to start testosterone and whether or not surgery is right for me.  For now, the toughest decision I have to make is "Men's" or "Women's" when I go to the bathroom.  I still find it terrifying not knowing who or what is on the other side of that door!  Though now, I can handle it all knowing I am no longer alone.

Movie Review - House of Boys

Since the last two movies I reviewed focused on lesbians I decided to do this movie review on "House of Boys" which centers around gay teens.  It promised to focus on a young runaway who is hired as a dancer for a gay club so I was really looking forward to some award worthy drag performances.  However, I was sorely disappointed because the movie was anything but.
I began to sense that I wouldn't like the movie within the first ten minutes.  There are so many scene changes and unexplained character introductions that it's dizzying trying to follow it all.  Finally, we get to see our main character, Frank who is played by Layke Anderson, end up at the House of Boys.  He is introduced to Jake, played by Benn Northover, who is to be his roommate.  There's just one thing, Frank falls for Jake even though Jake is straight!
From this point things go from bad to worse and perhaps it's because there were three writers, Jean-Claude Schlim who was also the director, Christian Thiry, and Robert David Graham.  It seemed like the vision for this movie was ill conceived because the plot is slapped together haphazardly.  It's a shame because the actors are great and the characters fit together well, but the writers focused too much time on horrendous drag routines, unessential characters, and superfluous sex rather than on character development and dialogue.  By the end of it we find ourselves in the middle of a campaign to raise awareness of AIDS.  I don't have a problem with raising awareness, but it's not what the description promised.
Unfortunately, I can't even say the costumes or music were any better.  They were both hit and miss for me and some were downright cringe worthy!  At least the camera man knew what he was doing because the cinematography was very sharp and professional.
At the end of the day my favorite part of this movie was the transgender character Angelo who becomes Angela, played by Steven Webb.  Unfortunately, that's just not enough to change my mind or raise my rating.  I give this movie two stars and I wouldn't recommend it to watch.

How to Come Out to Your Parents

For many in the LGBT community coming out is a terrifying process and coming out to family seems akin to sentencing your own death.  We’ve been told for so long that as soon as we come out we will be abandoned by everyone that we know and love so we stay in the closet and we let the cobwebs grow.  I myself was worried sick for years and years, trying to change who I was and then simply hide who I was so that I wouldn't have to deal with telling my family.  I thought they would hate me and I was scared of being kicked out of the house or disowned.  While this never happened my relationship with my family was strained for many years both prior to and following my coming out.  I realize now that most of this was a direct result of my inability to communicate properly.  I was too scared to have an open, honest conversation with my family and so I let all communication die entirely.  Hopefully I can help you to avoid the mistakes that I made!  In order to successfully come out you are going to need a plan of action and these are the steps I wish I had taken so many years ago.  It would have saved my family and I a lot of heartache!

Step one is simply to focus on yourself.  You need to be honest with yourself about who you are and accept the person you are becoming.  Keep a journal and use it to work through your feelings and anxieties.  (Warning - make sure this journal is well hidden or destroy the paper you write on as soon as you are done!)  Write in a stream of conscious, where you just write every thought that comes to you as you have it, to bring to the front of your mind thoughts that you may otherwise deny or push away.  Or you can write your daily events and how they made you feel.  Also, I believe analyzing your dreams can help you to understand your thoughts and emotions and help you to make new discoveries about yourself.  To unlock the full potential of your dreams see my previous article on lucid dreaming.

Step two is to make sure that you stay connected with your family.  This may be difficult and even painful but it is very important.  At this point your family has not given you any reason to hate or mistrust them so don’t.  For a long time I assumed the worst of my family and began to treat them as if they had already disowned me.  This is the worst thing you can do!  You are only causing yourself and your family unnecessary pain and creating resentment that will make it even harder to come out.  You may even cause them to believe that your bad behavior is a direct result of you being LGBT and they may think it’s a psychological illness that need to be fixed.  Ultimately, our families love us and want us to be happy and hate anything that makes us unhappy, so stay positive!

Step three should be to do as much research on LGBT topics as possible!  Even if you think you are bisexual, research lesbian topics as well.  Even if you think you are gay, find out information on transgender issues.  At this point you are questioning because you really don’t know who you are and you have a lot to figure out!  It’s ok if you research something just to say that it doesn’t feel like what you are going through because the more you know about what you are not the easier it is to be sure of what you are.  You should also read about what science is discovering about being LGBT and what psychologists are learning about our community.  You should get familiar with LGBT terminology and read blogs and watch videos about actual LGBT people.

Step four is to find support groups either online, in your school, or in your community to help you through this time.  This is incredibly important because these support groups can help you with the first three steps.  They can also help you to connect with others in the LGBT community so that you can begin to create friendships and get helpful advice from others.

Step five is to begin creating dialogue with your family about LGBT topics.  You are already doing research and learning a great deal of new information about the LGBT community so use this to open a line of communication with your family.  This will give you the opportunity to understand what their feelings and beliefs are and to let them know that you support the LGBT community.  Even if your parents don’t like it, you do have the right to form your own opinions and to disagree with them.  For example, if they think homosexuality is unnatural then you can tell them about the hundreds of animals that have gay sex in the wild.  If they think being transgender is an illness you can tell them about fish and frogs that transition all the time.  All of these things can open their minds to new ideas without them even realizing.  That way when you are ready to tell them your secret they already have knowledge on the subject which they can draw from.  They will also understand you better and understand how this change is what you need to be happy.  The most important thing to remember here is that you are having a discussion, not an argument.  Never, yell, scream, cry, or call them names because they disagree.  Just know that they have deeply rooted beliefs and it’s going to take time for them to accept these new ideas.

***If at this point your family becomes adamant that LGBT people are sick or sinners, that they need conversion therapy, if they become extremely angry and scare you or threaten you, or if they abuse you in any way then stop talking to them about LGBT issues immediately and seek help from a counselor or therapist!  Do not come out to them if it will put you in danger in any way!***

Step six, tell a safe person.  By a safe person I mean someone who you can go to live with if things get bad at home.  Choose someone you know will love and support you no matter what.  This person should be someone you trust to keep your secret and not out you.  Someone who will allow you to tell your friends and family in your own way on your own time.  They could be an aunt or uncle or maybe even a friend’s parents.

Finally, as long as steps one through six have been successful and you feel ready, it’s time to tell your family.  Chose a time when everyone is calm and tell them you need to talk to them.  Be straight to the point and be firm.  Do not expect the worst and jump to conclusions and become defensive, angry, or upset.  Instead, try to stay as calm as possible.  They may not take it well and they may say ignorant or hurtful things, but most likely they don’t realize how they are being hurtful.  You need to allow them to make mistakes and ask stupid questions and just try to correct them and answer them as best as possible.  Tell them you love and trust them and want them to be a part of your life and that’s why you told them.  Tell them you can’t change but that you understand they need time to process and adjust.  And they do!  You have had years to understand and accept who you are and it’s been a hard road for you!  It’s going to be the same for them so understand that they will need to process this information and learn to accept it as well.  Things will (most likely) get better with time as long as you stay committed to being honest with them about who you are and continue to try to connect with them.

I sincerely hope that this helps you and that you are able to have a wonderful coming out experience.  Life on the other side is usually so much more free and enjoyable that you wonder what kept you in the closet so long.  It can be extremely rough at times, but I assure you that things get much easier as you get older.  This world is changing rapidly and the LGBT community is making large strides in becoming better understood, more accepted, and gaining more rights.  We’re all fighting for you so don’t forget that you also have a family in us!