I Finally Came Out

I know I'm still fairly young and I still have a long way to go on my journey of transition but it feels like I've done a lot already.  In fact, I've taken what I think is the biggest step of all.  I finally came out, and I mean to everybody!
I can still remember the first time I realized something was really different about me.  I was fourteen and I had a dream, but it was nothing like Mr. King's!  In my dream I was myself and there was a boy my age flirting with me and after a short while he leaned in to kiss me.  At this point it was like a movie camera had zoomed out, panned around to shift angles, and then zoomed back in.  Next thing I know, I'm the young guy and I'm kissing a beautiful girl.  I woke up with my heart racing, almost as fast as my mind, and burst into tears.  I sobbed desperately into my pillow out of embarrassment, confusion, and fear.
For the next four years it was a long road of denial.  I wasn't interested in men but that was only because I hadn't found the right one.  I was constantly looking at women but only because I was comparing my body to theirs' and certainly not because I thought they were attractive.  Eventually though, like all bad charades, mine came to a screeching halt.  I had fallen in love... with a girl!  I was eighteen and in college and she was my best friend.  From that moment on I could no longer deny my attraction to women.
I did, however, continue to date men and avoid my own masculinity.  I actually did fall in love with a man and we dated for two and a half years.  The problem was that as our relationship progressed I became more and more aware of the fact that I didn't want to be with him, I wanted to be him!  Near the end of our relationship he told me he could see me being a good man and a good boyfriend... just not to him.  It felt like the affirmation I had been waiting my whole life for, even though it came with a heavy price.
From that moment on I found every way I could to assert my masculinity, no matter how small or private.  I bought some men's clothes, told my  best friend how I felt, and started going to gay clubs.  I also started the blog you're reading now.  I was suddenly overwhelmed with emotions I had been suppressing for years and the more I expressed my masculinity the more right it felt.
Now, don't get me wrong, this wasn't all peaches and cream.  For a while I became hyper masculine which on some level I knew was fake and awkward.  However, as time went on I settled into myself and accepted my femininity.  By doing this I stopped playing the macho role and became a man.
That's when I knew I had found my true identity and I was ready to come out.  There was no more questioning, only acceptance, and it was time for the world to know and accept me also.  I had opened up to my older sister, my best friend, and a few other people already.  Now came the hard part, telling my mother!  It happened so fast that I can barely remember.  I had not planned it, I was just telling her about my new life in Oregon and next thing I knew I was rambling on about how I've always really been a boy.  Poor Mom, she didn't know what to say, but she took it like a champ.  She simply asked me to give her time to process this new information.  I told her I understood and that of course I would.
After that it was fairly easy to come out.  I had my Mom, sisters, and best friend so there was no one left to worry about losing.  If there was anybody else that didn't want me in their life I didn't need them.  So, a week later I logged into Facebook and made one heck of a status update!  It detailed that I'm transgender, that my name is now William, and that I'm happy and proud.  I even changed my header photo to a rainbow that read "I'm coming out!"
The response I got was better than I'd dared to hope.  Friends and family from all over, even people I barely spoke to, left messages of love and support or at least a thumbs up.  It's been about a week and I have yet to be told that I'm an abomination by anyone.  I'm now living my life truer than ever before and, far from the scary, difficult road I thought it would be, it's one of the easiest things I've ever done.  The truth is always easier than a lie.  The difficulty is finding out what the truth is; that's the journey we are all on. 

As my journey continues I know there will continue to be hard decisions to make.  I have to choose when and how to start testosterone and whether or not surgery is right for me.  For now, the toughest decision I have to make is "Men's" or "Women's" when I go to the bathroom.  I still find it terrifying not knowing who or what is on the other side of that door!  Though now, I can handle it all knowing I am no longer alone.

Perspective

Things that are more important than "protecting marriage:"

Health care
Education
Pollution

Things that are more important than whether I'm a man or a woman:

Our foreign policy
Unemployment
The stock market

Things that are more important than whether or not that girl you don't know is a lesbian:

Police brutality
The Tea Party
The housing market

There are so many things that our country needs to be worrying about right now and the battle against the LGBT community is not one of them.  It's unconstitutional, and therefore against everything this country is founded upon, to take civil rights away from or discriminate against any group of citizens.  Politicians are only still arguing against gay rights issues because they want to distract you from the real issues.  Stop letting politicians jerk you around like a puppet using the strings of your emotions.  Let's start focusing on what's really important because we are on a slippery slope.  If we can justify taking rights away from even one of our citizens then we can justify taking rights away from all our citizens.  All the while, politicians are gaining power over us and passing legislature that cripples us and we don't realize it until it's too late!  Wake up to the real issues.  Tell your local and federal politicians that we want more rights for all citizens and we won't be passive about politics anymore!