Movie Review - House of Boys

Since the last two movies I reviewed focused on lesbians I decided to do this movie review on "House of Boys" which centers around gay teens.  It promised to focus on a young runaway who is hired as a dancer for a gay club so I was really looking forward to some award worthy drag performances.  However, I was sorely disappointed because the movie was anything but.
I began to sense that I wouldn't like the movie within the first ten minutes.  There are so many scene changes and unexplained character introductions that it's dizzying trying to follow it all.  Finally, we get to see our main character, Frank who is played by Layke Anderson, end up at the House of Boys.  He is introduced to Jake, played by Benn Northover, who is to be his roommate.  There's just one thing, Frank falls for Jake even though Jake is straight!
From this point things go from bad to worse and perhaps it's because there were three writers, Jean-Claude Schlim who was also the director, Christian Thiry, and Robert David Graham.  It seemed like the vision for this movie was ill conceived because the plot is slapped together haphazardly.  It's a shame because the actors are great and the characters fit together well, but the writers focused too much time on horrendous drag routines, unessential characters, and superfluous sex rather than on character development and dialogue.  By the end of it we find ourselves in the middle of a campaign to raise awareness of AIDS.  I don't have a problem with raising awareness, but it's not what the description promised.
Unfortunately, I can't even say the costumes or music were any better.  They were both hit and miss for me and some were downright cringe worthy!  At least the camera man knew what he was doing because the cinematography was very sharp and professional.
At the end of the day my favorite part of this movie was the transgender character Angelo who becomes Angela, played by Steven Webb.  Unfortunately, that's just not enough to change my mind or raise my rating.  I give this movie two stars and I wouldn't recommend it to watch.

How to Come Out to Your Parents

For many in the LGBT community coming out is a terrifying process and coming out to family seems akin to sentencing your own death.  We’ve been told for so long that as soon as we come out we will be abandoned by everyone that we know and love so we stay in the closet and we let the cobwebs grow.  I myself was worried sick for years and years, trying to change who I was and then simply hide who I was so that I wouldn't have to deal with telling my family.  I thought they would hate me and I was scared of being kicked out of the house or disowned.  While this never happened my relationship with my family was strained for many years both prior to and following my coming out.  I realize now that most of this was a direct result of my inability to communicate properly.  I was too scared to have an open, honest conversation with my family and so I let all communication die entirely.  Hopefully I can help you to avoid the mistakes that I made!  In order to successfully come out you are going to need a plan of action and these are the steps I wish I had taken so many years ago.  It would have saved my family and I a lot of heartache!

Step one is simply to focus on yourself.  You need to be honest with yourself about who you are and accept the person you are becoming.  Keep a journal and use it to work through your feelings and anxieties.  (Warning - make sure this journal is well hidden or destroy the paper you write on as soon as you are done!)  Write in a stream of conscious, where you just write every thought that comes to you as you have it, to bring to the front of your mind thoughts that you may otherwise deny or push away.  Or you can write your daily events and how they made you feel.  Also, I believe analyzing your dreams can help you to understand your thoughts and emotions and help you to make new discoveries about yourself.  To unlock the full potential of your dreams see my previous article on lucid dreaming.

Step two is to make sure that you stay connected with your family.  This may be difficult and even painful but it is very important.  At this point your family has not given you any reason to hate or mistrust them so don’t.  For a long time I assumed the worst of my family and began to treat them as if they had already disowned me.  This is the worst thing you can do!  You are only causing yourself and your family unnecessary pain and creating resentment that will make it even harder to come out.  You may even cause them to believe that your bad behavior is a direct result of you being LGBT and they may think it’s a psychological illness that need to be fixed.  Ultimately, our families love us and want us to be happy and hate anything that makes us unhappy, so stay positive!

Step three should be to do as much research on LGBT topics as possible!  Even if you think you are bisexual, research lesbian topics as well.  Even if you think you are gay, find out information on transgender issues.  At this point you are questioning because you really don’t know who you are and you have a lot to figure out!  It’s ok if you research something just to say that it doesn’t feel like what you are going through because the more you know about what you are not the easier it is to be sure of what you are.  You should also read about what science is discovering about being LGBT and what psychologists are learning about our community.  You should get familiar with LGBT terminology and read blogs and watch videos about actual LGBT people.

Step four is to find support groups either online, in your school, or in your community to help you through this time.  This is incredibly important because these support groups can help you with the first three steps.  They can also help you to connect with others in the LGBT community so that you can begin to create friendships and get helpful advice from others.

Step five is to begin creating dialogue with your family about LGBT topics.  You are already doing research and learning a great deal of new information about the LGBT community so use this to open a line of communication with your family.  This will give you the opportunity to understand what their feelings and beliefs are and to let them know that you support the LGBT community.  Even if your parents don’t like it, you do have the right to form your own opinions and to disagree with them.  For example, if they think homosexuality is unnatural then you can tell them about the hundreds of animals that have gay sex in the wild.  If they think being transgender is an illness you can tell them about fish and frogs that transition all the time.  All of these things can open their minds to new ideas without them even realizing.  That way when you are ready to tell them your secret they already have knowledge on the subject which they can draw from.  They will also understand you better and understand how this change is what you need to be happy.  The most important thing to remember here is that you are having a discussion, not an argument.  Never, yell, scream, cry, or call them names because they disagree.  Just know that they have deeply rooted beliefs and it’s going to take time for them to accept these new ideas.

***If at this point your family becomes adamant that LGBT people are sick or sinners, that they need conversion therapy, if they become extremely angry and scare you or threaten you, or if they abuse you in any way then stop talking to them about LGBT issues immediately and seek help from a counselor or therapist!  Do not come out to them if it will put you in danger in any way!***

Step six, tell a safe person.  By a safe person I mean someone who you can go to live with if things get bad at home.  Choose someone you know will love and support you no matter what.  This person should be someone you trust to keep your secret and not out you.  Someone who will allow you to tell your friends and family in your own way on your own time.  They could be an aunt or uncle or maybe even a friend’s parents.

Finally, as long as steps one through six have been successful and you feel ready, it’s time to tell your family.  Chose a time when everyone is calm and tell them you need to talk to them.  Be straight to the point and be firm.  Do not expect the worst and jump to conclusions and become defensive, angry, or upset.  Instead, try to stay as calm as possible.  They may not take it well and they may say ignorant or hurtful things, but most likely they don’t realize how they are being hurtful.  You need to allow them to make mistakes and ask stupid questions and just try to correct them and answer them as best as possible.  Tell them you love and trust them and want them to be a part of your life and that’s why you told them.  Tell them you can’t change but that you understand they need time to process and adjust.  And they do!  You have had years to understand and accept who you are and it’s been a hard road for you!  It’s going to be the same for them so understand that they will need to process this information and learn to accept it as well.  Things will (most likely) get better with time as long as you stay committed to being honest with them about who you are and continue to try to connect with them.

I sincerely hope that this helps you and that you are able to have a wonderful coming out experience.  Life on the other side is usually so much more free and enjoyable that you wonder what kept you in the closet so long.  It can be extremely rough at times, but I assure you that things get much easier as you get older.  This world is changing rapidly and the LGBT community is making large strides in becoming better understood, more accepted, and gaining more rights.  We’re all fighting for you so don’t forget that you also have a family in us!

Movie Review - Blue is the Warmest Color

Since my first introduction to this film was actually a negative response video on YouTube, I was understandably apprehensive about watching “Blue is the Warmest Color.”  However, my morbid curiousity got the better of me and I’m glad it did because I love this movie.

Interestingly enough the original writer, Julie Maroh, felt much the same as the YouTubers and hated the film.  She wrote it as a black and white graphic novel with only highlights of blue and thought that Abdellatif Kechiche, who adapted it to a screenplay and directed the film, misconstrued the concept.  She accused him of making it into a cheap, sexual fantasy rather than focusing on the raw emotion.

I have to disagree!  I think that the emotion between Adele, played by Adele Exarchopoulos, and Emma, played by Lea Seydoux, is subtle yet electrifying!  It’s painful yet beautiful to watch Adele grow into herself, first with the help of Emma and then startlingly alone.  Rather than spell out everything she is going through, the entire film is characterized by deep conversations and subdued foreshadowing to guide your understanding of the phases of Adele.  The beauty of this quiet approach is that it allows the viewer to draw on their own experiences to relate to the characters and form their own conclusions.

To complement this very stylistic approach the movie does use the color blue in much the same way as the graphic novel to highlight the passions, or lack thereof, of Adele.  The music is also very quiet and subtle, almost imperceptible, to subliminally enhance your emotions without distracting from the raw, gritty realism picked up by the camera.

Overall, I think this movie is incredible and I give it 4.5 stars making it a must see.  I recommend it on a night when you wish to be swept away by nostalgia to remember the whirlwind of your first romance.

Why Learn How to Lucid Dream

There seems to be a lot of discussion lately on lucid dreaming, especially amongst the YouTube-ing community.  In fact, I’ve made several of my own videos about lucid dreaming which you can find at the link below.  In case you don’t already know what a lucid dream is, it’s when you know that you are dreaming as you dream.  This gives you the potential to manipulate your dream world so that you can do whatever you want.  

I first heard the concept of lucid dreaming in middle school when one of my friends told me he could control his dreams.  Of course, he was just using this ability to release sexual tension.  I tried for a while and had very little success (I could never convince my dream characters that it was a good idea to have sex with me) so I gave up… until recently.  I recently rediscovered lucid dreaming and found a whole new context for how it could be used; that is, dream therapy.

Now, you may be thinking I’m crazy, saying to yourself, “You need real therapy!”  How can you have therapy without a therapist?  Well, it’s true, I’m not saying you should give your therapist a pink slip and start sleeping all the time.  However, dreaming can be a powerful tool, especially if you are going through something as difficult as transitioning your gender.  The reason it’s so great is that during your dreams you have access to your subconscious mind.  When you talk to a therapist most of what they are doing is trying to unlock your true feelings, your inner most fears and desires.  What if instead of spending countless hours in endless therapy sessions going around in circles you could ask your subconscious directly and have an answer in seconds?  In your dreams you can!

If you have a lucid dream you can close your eyes and tell yourself, “I want to speak to my subconscious.”  Then you can imagine your subconscious mind as a dream character standing in front of you.  When you open your eyes they should be there and then you will be able to have a conversation with them.  You can ask them questions that your conscious mind hasn’t been able to or hasn’t allowed you to answer yet.  Sometimes, your subconscious character will even give you information that you didn’t think to ask about or lead you to new questions you haven’t thought of yet.  By doing this you can access your true feelings and do away with a lot of confusion.

You can also use your dreams as a chance to meditate on positive intentions for your life and your goals.  Specifically, as a transgender person you can create a mantra like, “I am ready for transition.  I am happy about my transition.  I will love myself before, during, and after my transition.”  This can dramatically reshape your mood and give you more confidence.  Also, if you have a particular fear about transition your can choose to either face that fear head on or you can talk to your subconscious dream character about that fear in order to get advice.  This can be a powerful way to overcome hurdles that might otherwise stall or even prevent your transition!

I’ve also come up with my own “lucid dream program” to aid my transition.  First, I will meditate on seeing myself as a masculine person and affirming to myself that I am already a man.  I am confident that this will carry over to my real life and make me more confident in my masculinity and my transition.  Also, I am a big believer in the power of mind over body because I have seen and experienced first hand amazing results with meditation and thought channeling.  Therefore, I will also use my dreams to tell my body that I am overflowing with Testosterone.  I will tell myself that this Testosterone is changing my body by causing more muscle mass, growing a beard, shutting down my menstrual cycle, and deepening my voice.  I can’t say for sure that this will work or what kind of results I will get if it does, but I’m confident it will at least have low levels of effectiveness.  I also think it will make me excited about transition and make me feel more positive about my masculine body image.

At any rate, your overall goal with lucid dream therapy should be to learn more about yourself and learn how to accept and love yourself for who you really are.  Transition can be scary and it can take us years to realize that it’s what we need to be happy!  Sometimes, we start transition only to realize how difficult it is and we become too scared to continue.  If you can use your dreams to make this process easier to understand and easier to deal with I say, “Why not!”  It’s free, it’s fun, and you do it every night anyway!  

Sweet dreams...

If you want to learn how to lucid dream watch my instructional YouTube video at:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-63tIzEpvvA

If you want to hear about my lucid dreams visit my YouTube channel at:

https://www.youtube.com/user/EamonWill/videos

Dealing with Peer Pressure (Transgender Perspective)

Peer pressure is pressure from others to think, say, or act in a way that they prefer rather than accepting you as who you are.  As a transgender person I have dealt with peer pressure a lot.  Unfortunately, there are only three ways to deal with peer pressure; accept it, ignore it, or actively resist.

At one point or another we have all given in to peer pressure.  Either we were too scared or just didn’t know how to say no.  It has happened to all of us and it will continue to happen.  However, I do not recommend this as the proper approach.  As soon as you start giving in to peer pressure it will be expected of you by both others and yourself.  It’s all too easy to slip into a habit of allowing others to change you and soon you’ll find that you have lost touch with who you really are.  Not knowing who you are and not being true to yourself is the best way to end up living a really miserable life, and for what?  So you can pretend to be friends with a bunch of people who don’t like the real you?  No way!  So now you know that option one was never really an option to begin with, so what should you do about peer pressure?

Well, your next option is to just ignore the pressure.  Seriously!  You always have the option of just not responding.  You can walk away if you want.  Or, my personal favorite, just stare at them without saying anything.  That should make them feel awkward enough that they stop harassing you.  What I love about this approach is that it is so simple.  Don’t get me wrong, it still takes guts to do this, but it’s not complicated.  You don’t have to come up with an argument or a reason why you don’t agree with them or won’t do what they say.  You just simply don’t/won’t, end of discussion; literally!  In my opinion awkward silences are easier to deal with than awkward conversation and it leaves them zero wiggle room to break you down so I find this the easiest approach.  However, if you really want to make a statement go for option three.

The third option is to actively resist.  This can be simple like saying no or can go as far as having deep conversations about why you don’t feel the same as them.  It can also be as comical as saying things that are so beyond what they would expect that you throw them off completely.  This is my ultimate weapon.  Let me give you an example.  I was at work and had a co-worker tell me one of our customers couldn’t tell if I was a boy or a girl.  I’ve been through this enough to understand the underlying message was, “You’re different, you should change.”  Instead of feeling embarrassed or awkward I decided to spin it around and make her feel uncomfortable for bringing it up.  I laughed and said, “Oh, yeah, I don’t care.  I think gender is a ridiculous construct of an overly oppressive society.”  I got a better reaction than I could have ever hoped for.  Her eyes got big and she said, “Oh,” and walked away.  That was the end of that from her or anyone else!  A word of warning though, you should not do this unless you are willing to accept the consequences.  This can get really awkward or embarrassing really fast so you have to be committed to seeing it through!

Basically, I’m telling you all of this because peer pressure has the power to make us feel worthless and helpless and no one should have to feel that way.  We’ve all felt afraid that we weren’t good enough at least once in our lives because someone else made us feel like we had to change.  But it’s time to realize this is a lie.  The truth is, if someone else has a problem with you they are the one with the problem.  It’s not your responsibility to make them happy.  It’s your responsibility to make you happy.  So go let them know it!

Benefits of Being Trans

Usually we look at being Trans as an ailment; a condition to be corrected or a difficult struggle to be overcome.  I understand those feelings and I’ve had them as well.  However, I also embrace much about what it means to be Trans.  I really feel like it’s a journey to be cherished and experienced fully because like any good journey it can enrich your life.  I feel like if you're mindful about it there are four main benefits that you can get out of being Trans.

First, by being Trans you learn a great deal about yourself.  It seems the theme of so many movies that someone has a midlife crisis and has to go off to “find themselves.”  If you are Trans it’s a continuous journey of self discovery so that even as you change you are aware of yourself.  With this kind of self awareness you are able to build an inner strength most have no idea is possible.  You are also able to recognize your individual dreams and desires and with that knowledge you can set goals for yourself to reach those dreams and live a fulfilled life.  It may seem like a pain sometimes to be constantly asking yourself, “who am I, what do I want?”  But this is something everyone should do and as long as you have the courage to answer those questions honestly and be true to yourself you will be greatly rewarded.

The second great benefit of being Trans is that you gain a new perspective on life.  We are taught to believe in certain societal norms as though they are fact and we believe them because everybody else does.  When you are Trans you bust a huge hole right in the center of one of those norms; the idea that sex is equivalent to gender.  As soon as you do that it opens your eyes to the realization that nothing is as it seems because everything you thought you knew is questionable.  What else has society taught you to believe, what else do you think you know, that isn’t true?  This new perspective on life will open your mind to a more varied and interesting world, one that you can share with others and through constant questioning may change in the future.

Also, by being Trans you gain a greater level of empathy.  You have had to struggle and to deal with quite a lot emotionally which makes you better able to understand the pain of others.  Empathy is so important in our society because it helps us to build connections with others.  Our society tries to break apart into groups and segregate itself accordingly so that we think we can’t relate to another unless we have shared the same experience.  We need to learn to say, “I haven’t been through what you are experiencing, but I've been through enough that I can understand.”  That way we open our lives to a greater capacity for human connection.

Finally, it just makes you stronger!  To be Trans means to have gone through a deep, internal struggle, accept yourself fully, and have the guts to expose your true self to the world.  You can’t do any of these things without courage and once you have gone through this you can handle anything!  So congratulations, because no matter what life throws at you next you are going to be just fine.

I feel like I’m taking you down the yellow brick road, only this Dorothy has to know how to tuck.  We’ve learned who we are and what is important to us, we’ve learned our world is more exciting than we ever imagined, we’ve learned how to make friends no matter who we meet, and we’ve even gained a badge of courage!  Only, instead of learning that there’s no place like home, we’ve learned that there is no person like your true self.  So go be you!

What Not to Say to a Transgender

I have often said that there are no wrong questions and when people ask me about being transgender I really try to be as open and honest as possible.  It’s important to me that I help educate others about LGBTQ issues even if that means answering questions I’d rather not or giving up a little privacy.  However, there are those people who ask questions or make statements that are so ignorant and offensive that it’s maddening!  I try to deal with these situations calmly and educate them about their misconceptions, however, there are three things I hear all too often and wish I never had to hear again.

The first is, “You’re so pretty/attractive!  Why do you want to be trans?”  Of the three, I hear this one most often and it makes me want to scream and commit various acts of harm and hostility.  Instead, I’ve begun retorting with, “Then I’ll be a pretty man!”  That usually shuts them up for a second as they raise their eyebrows and look confused.  At this point I just laugh in their face.  Is this mean?  No.  What is mean are the gender oppressive stereotypes that fed their statement.  The obvious stereotype here is that women are only worth as much as their looks.  Their assumption is that I feel like I’m ugly/unattractive and therefore am not even worthy of being a woman.  I have to deal with my condition (ugliness) by rejecting my feminine nature and trying to be a man in a desperate attempt to find a woman who will of course love me even if I’m hideous.  If they can just convince me that I’m beautiful then my problems will be solved and I can live happily ever after as a pretty woman worthy of a man to love me.  WHAT CRAP!!!  I hate this!  Women are people and they have more to offer than a pretty face and open legs!  But what I’ve also noticed by flipping this statement around and telling them that I’ll be a pretty man is the less obvious but equally disturbing stereotype against men: that it’s not possible to be a pretty man and if you are, you’re gay.  Men are put under pressure to look good all the time.  Only the hot guy gets laid in the movie because men are supposed to look like bodybuilders who bathe in nair and they must always wear a suit or uniform and carry loads of cash.  However, if you saw this guy you would assume he was gay.  Why?  Because “real men” can’t waste time on hygiene, hair, or look too put together.  “Real men” have better things to do with their time.  It’s a double standard that has men confused and embarrassed.  They simply can’t win.  Why can’t we just admit that if you look like you’ve never seen a mirror then that’s a problem; for women and men!  But we also need to realize that’s not all that matters!  (I’m sorry for talking as if being gay is a bad thing.  I’m just commenting on the culture of our society.  Of course gay men are still real men!)

Which brings me to my next most hated comment.  One woman actually had the nerve to tell me that I needed to dress in such a way that others would be able to tell my sex!  First of all, how freaking presumptuous was she to think that she knew I must be a girl just because my sex is a girl.  This just shows how ignorant people are and how much they have bought into this idea that gender is based on sex.  Secondly, it’s none of her business.  She believes that it is though, because without knowing my sex she doesn’t know how to interact with me.  She doesn’t know what set of gender stereotypes to use to determine how to act around me and pre-determine how I will act towards her.  The way we become uncomfortable around someone whose gender we can’t identify just proves that we treat men and women differently on a fundamental level.  We go into our interactions with men and women based on stereotypes that have been fed to us by society and enforced by the media.  Without these stereotypes to guide us we don’t know what behavior is socially acceptable.  In other words, we have no idea how to treat people like people.  When someone walks up to you they don’t see you as a blank slate; someone they don’t know but are excited to learn about.  They see you as a blurry chalk board.  They have half of it filled in already, they just need to clean it up a little and add in a few things.  I don’t know about you, but that pisses me off.  Especially because I don’t fit on that board, but most people try to make me fit anyway!

Speaking of not fitting on the board, the other thing I hear quite often is, “But you’re so feminine!”  My response: “Thank you!”  What I’m really thinking: “F U!!!”  This falls directly under the “men can’t be feminine” stereotype.  Why?  I generally assume people mean that I’m affectionate and sensitive, although I’m sure there are other small things.  How are these qualities bad?  I think that being feminine makes me well-rounded.  I have a good balance between my feminine side and my masculine side so that I’m not too much of either.  I also think it’s make it easier for me to relate to women.  I can hold a deep conversation and actually understand what they are going through.  This will make me a better person and a better boyfriend.  But this statement doesn’t just bother me on a personal level.  What really irks me is the underlying misogyny that fuels this type of statement.  When you call someone feminine and you mean it as an insult what you are really saying is that it is bad or undesirable to be like a woman.  Woman are so stupid/inferior/worthless; why would you ever want to be like a woman?!  It really sucks when I hear this from a woman because they don’t even realize what they are saying about themselves!  We need to stop gender shaming women.  Men and women are fundamentally the same but women have been allowed to embrace their full spectrum of emotions while men have been emotionally stifled.  It would really benefit us as a society to stop crippling men emotionally and then acting like it’s women who have the problem!

Of course, there are so many ways that people have been offensive towards me as a transman that if I were to make this an exhaustive list it would go on forever.  Therefore, I will stop here for now.  Hopefully in reading this you have not only learned a little about what it’s like to be transgender and what you shouldn’t say to us, but also about the hurtful nature of gender stereotypes in general.  If we lived in a perfect world we would never even see gender or we would at least see it as a boundless spectrum that people can flow through.  We do not live in a perfect world.  But maybe you can start to see this world a little more perfectly.